REFLECTIONS

I have neglected making profound posting about my family/friend oriented real life (and therefore THIS blog) for a LONG time. - I actually forgot I had this blog but in the chance that you still read this one I'll update it now. (I hope to get more pictures to post in the pic-spam GJ I linked a while back.) I hope you don't think I've fallen down a well or something. I HAVE been updating the LJ sporadically, but it is intended for fandom and not in the same mind set as this one.

ANYWAYS:

It is amazing what assumptions can do. In one of my last posts I got a comment link which I assumed was spam and ignored it. When I rediscovered this blog this year I grew curious and followed the link (yes It took me over a year - I'm sorry If I never thanked the anon commenter, now you know why). It was a link to someone's blog and I'm glad I did because what I read has made me reflect on my life and the things I've done in it.


One of the big reflections is my sister.

My mother is of the schooling that parents and children stay in contact and know each other's lives. She always called us/or expected a call at least once a week and usually a few emails in between. To her there is no such thing as disowning one's child, not even when dead.

The last time I talked to my sister I was nervous. She had been on a leave-me-alone state of mind and had been incommunicado for a while (to my mother a week is a while). She went so far as to cut ALL contact including not updating her blog and it looked like we had been given a reprieve, a missed call on the cell told us she may be willing to communicate. Now she is not known to do this (reach out) and since very little time (in her world it can take YEARS to forgive/forget and it had been 10 days) had passed she was probably still hurting; if you say or do the wrong thing while she is in that state it will send her further into her shell.

I returned her call to bridge the gap but I kept stepping in it. You see, I was a nervous wreck. Anything I said could possible screw the relationship up even further. So in my infinite wisdom I chose something that wasn't pertinent to me, our mother, how you doing/living? (cause it would look like we were nosy and could possibly convey in her mind that we were stalkerish/clingy). I chose our grandma. Unfortunately the only thing I had was "You missed calling her on her birthday, and the old bat isn't happy." I was hoping to get a normal, 'I was too busy/couldn't afford the calling card' small talk and let her lead the conversation to where she felt most comfortable; She sounded like I was chastising her instead and I cringed. I knew I made matters worse so I finished the conversation hoping not to sound hurt or self-blame that I may have ruined it for my mom and got the important information my mother wanted before hanging up.

I hope she at least saw I was trying and was fearful of screwing up.

When the whole mess settled down and she no longer hated us, she has resumed cordial, almost professional contact but I long for the days when we would IM about nothing in particular; her making fun of my fandom obsessions and berating my choices could sometimes hurt/make me feel like we were pulling further and further apart but it was a connection I miss and doubt will ever have again. As time goes by, as we grow further apart in not only location but our hobbies, our movie/music preferences, and our desires in life, I can't help but long for those days when we shared our dreams as little girls. We may not share the same ones any more but I still miss the connection from sharing them with her.